The 90s Never Happened

Episode 17: The Big Bad Blooper Reel

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask! 
Sometimes life gets in the way of reading comics, so instead of a new episode, we have a blooper reel for you. Hear a pile of slop cut from our first sixteen episodes while we plan our next big stretch. Please enjoy this nonsense made from nonsense and please don't tell any of our mothers what we said.
We'll be back with new content in the new future, and it's going to be about Rob Liefled and X-Force, so be prepared. In the meantime, if anyone asks you what comics you should read, go right ahead and tell them the 90s never happened!
Like, subscribe, and do all that good stuff. Follow us on Bluesky: @90sNeverHappened.bsky.social

Episode 16: Cap and Spidey Just Say No

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask! 
Since everyone is getting high during podcast recordings (Bree, mostly), Dan decided to teach everyone a lesson about the dangers of drug use--90s style! We start with Captain America Goes To War Against Drugs (no shit, that's the title) and The Amazing Spider-Man: Skating on Thin Ice. What do Cap and Spidey have to teach young people about drug abuse and how to avoid letting your youth sports team down. Find out how evil space aliens want kids on drugs in a bid to take over the planet. Swing into action on the mean streets of Winnipeg and discover how hockey pucks play a role in drug smuggling! 
Put down your bong or crack pipe, flush those quaaludes down the toilet, and stay out of grandma's medicine cabinet! Dan, Jude, and Bree are here to make sure you just say no! And if any strange men who might be drug-peddling aliens tell you the first time is free while asking about what comic books they should read, make sure to let the know the 90s never happened!
Content Warning: This episode contains conversations about children using drugs, child abuse, drug abuse, and other topics that may be too much for sensitive listeners. Kids, don't do drugs.
Like, subscribe, and do all that good stuff. Follow us on Bluesky: @90sNeverHappened.bsky.social

Episode 15: Punish Me, Baghdaddy!

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask! 
This week, Dan, Jude, and Bree get geared up for their first firefight with The Punisher. We read and review issues 47-48 from 1991 AKA The Brattle Gun. What was Marvel thinking when they advertised this as a Dessert Storm tie-in? Is Frank Castle's fake mustache a hate crime? Does the giant gun symbolize a penis? We'll get into all that and more!
So get your bullet-proof jackets and your map of fake countries as our trio of faux experts take you on a journey to a part of the world that's seen more turmoil than a Marvel writing room! And if anyone tells you about these skirmishes in the Middle East while asking about what comic books they should read, make sure to let the know the 90s never happened!
Content Warning: This episode contains historical facts and opinions regarding the area of the world commonly called "The Middle East". Though its discussed with a tongue-in-cheek tone, some listeners may be offended by the content since the source material was a tad on the Islamophobic side with a large scoop of Zionism on top. There are also descriptions of violence, sexual assault, and some political commentary based on the comics we reviewed. 
 
Like, subscribe, and do all that good stuff. Follow us on Bluesky: @90sNeverHappened.bsky.social

Episode 14: The Reorphaning

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask! Either that or you just don't care.
At long last, we finish the saga of Peter Parkers on-again/off-again parents, and we do it without Jude! We're reading the Lifetheft (one word) storyline from Amazing Spider-Man issues 386-388 from 1994. What's the deal with Richard and Mary Parker. how does it tie into Vulture's plot to become young again, and why is everyone getting sucked dry? Let our trio-minus-one pretend comic book experts tell you!
Remember, kiddos, if you find yourself no long and orphan and then possibly becoming one again in record time and someone asks you what comic books you should read, tell them the 90s never happened!
Like, subscribe, and do all that good stuff. Follow us on Bluesky: @90sNeverHappened.bsky.social

Episode 13: If The Web Shooter Don't Fit, You Must Acquit

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask! Either that or you just don't care.
If Johnny Cochran were alive today, he'd have a thing or two to say about this week's episode. Since he's gone, Dan, Jude, and Bree are stuck lamenting over the second nuttiest trial of the nineties. That's right, it's the Trial By Jury three-issue arc from Amazing Spider-Man 383-385. Our trio of pretend comic book experts put on their pretend lawyer hats. Meanwhile, Peter Parker's perplexing parental problems aren't getting any better. Also, Peter does the worst thing to Mary Jane we've seen on this podcast so far! 
So if you find yourself on trial by a bunch of Iron Man wannabes while your aunt doubts your parents' existence, make damn sure to plead The 90s Never Happened! 
Like, subscribe, and do all that good stuff. Follow us on Bluesky: @90sNeverHappened.bsky.social

Episode 12: Do Androids Dream of Electric Spider Slayers?

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask!
 
This week,  Dan, Jude, and Bree continue their discussion on Peter Parker's pernicious parents. Are they who they claim to be, or are they clones, aliens, alien clones, boomer assholes, or something even weirder? Our crack team of comic book readers and pretend experts will get to the bottom of it all! Also, what's the deal with all these damn Spider Slayers messing up Spidey's "platonic" outings with his ex girlfriend The Black Cat?
 
Remember, kids, if a white-haired woman dressed in black showing almost all of her boobies asks you what comics you should read, be sure to tell her that the 90s never happened!
 
Like, subscribe, and do all that good stuff. Follow us on Bluesky: @90sNeverHappened.bsky.social

Episode 11: There’s Something About Mary and Richard Parker

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask!
 
Because Jude and Bree demanded it, we're talking about Peter Parker's Parents and their 90s resurrection. Who are Mary and Richard Parker? Where have they been all these years? Why is Peter being such a little bitch about it? We answer those questions (probably) and more as we take a deep dive into this superhero who suddenly isn't an orphan anymore! 
Also, we talk about Black Cat and Spidey's relationship, Mary Jane's relationship with those cancer sticks, and our relationship to one another.
This week's suggested reading is Amazing Spider-Man issues 366-369 from the year of our spider lord 1992! 
Remember, if your parents come back from the dead and ask what comic books they should read, be sure and tell them the 90s never happened!
 

Episode 10: Marvel Gets Horny

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask!
Happy belated Valentine's Day from Dan, Jude, and Bree. On this special holiday episode, we read 1997's Marvel Valentine Special, which includes five short lovey dovey tales featuring Spider-Man and Mary Jane, Daredevil, Venus, Absorbing Man and Titania, and Cyclops and Jean Grey! Do these five stories bring up feelings of love or trigger our collective gag reflexes?
 
You may have eaten your last heart-shaped chocolate, but we're going to keep bringing you gifts in audio form! Like, subscribe, and tell your lovers. If anyone stops the coitus to ask what comic books they should read, be sure and tell them the 90s never happened!
***
Content warning:
Talk of sexual assault, domestic abuse, and other such topics are discussed while we cover the Daredevil "Love Hurts" story. Some strong language is used that may trigger or upset. If you wish to listen to this episode and skip this portion, it takes place from 19:45 to 37:31.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation and you need help, call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1-800-799-Safe(7233)

Episode 9: Way Too Much Carnage

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask!
We finally get around to finishing Maximum Carnage! Dan, Jude, and Bree read part 14 in Spider-Man Unlimited #2. They discuss how Peter was right to lock Mary Jane out of his double life, why Spider-Man has such a hardon for sparing Carnage's life, and what happens when comic book writers don't know how electric facilities operate. Also, we talk about the comic book. 
This roller coaster may be over, but this show sure isn't! Like, subscribe, and tell your friends. Go to confession while you're at it. If your priest asks what comics he should read, make sure and tell him The 90's Never Happened.
***
Programming note: At the end of this episode we discuss jumping into Amazing Spider-Man 366-369 for the saga of Peter's parents. Instead, we'll be reading 1997's Marvel Valentine Special--just in time to be three entire days late for a Valentine's Day episode!

Episode 8: Symbiotic Plot Armor

Welcome to The 90s Never Happened, your one-stop podcast for everything you wanted to know about 90s comics but are too afraid to ask!
Jude is back from her stint in prison, so we're web-shooters deep into Maximum Carnage. This week, we've read parts 9-13. In the penultimate episode of this crossover, we get exhausted from the amount of superheroes in this thing, Captain America's forced patriotism, and Peter's gaslighting of Mary Jane. And what the hell are Morbius, Deathlok, and Iron Fist even doing here?
As always, like and subscribe. Tell a friend. Make sure your proctologist listens. Leave a review, especially if you hate us. This thing runs on props.
If anyone asks you what comics to read, tell them The 90s Never Happened!